


Scarves

by archaeologist_d



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Canon Era, Canon Universe, During Canon, Gen, Mental Anguish, Mental Health Issues, Mental Illness, dysmorphia, merlin has issues, scarf
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-10
Updated: 2021-03-10
Packaged: 2021-03-17 03:48:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,050
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29960481
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/archaeologist_d/pseuds/archaeologist_d
Summary: Merlin always wears scarves. There’s a reason for it.
Comments: 4
Kudos: 40
Collections: Merlin Bingo





	Scarves

**Author's Note:**

> **Author's Notes:**  
>  The prompt was: dysmorphia. Wiki states that Body dysmorphia = A mental illness involving obsessive focus on a perceived flaw in appearance. The flaw may be minor or imagined. But the person may spend hours a day trying to fix it. The person may try many cosmetic procedures or exercise to excess. People with this disorder may frequently examine their appearance in a mirror, constantly compare their appearance with that of others, and avoid social situations or photos.  
> I know nothing about the illness except what I’ve read online so I hope I got it right.

* * *

* * *

Frantic, Merlin kept digging deeper into his cupboard. It wasn’t that he ever used the storage for most things. He didn’t have enough clothing to bother with, washing one set and wearing the other was good enough, and putting them away seemed useless.

But he owned several scarves, in different colours, presents from his mum and his own purchases and he kept them safe in the cabinet even after they started to fray and fall apart. Needing them more than braies or tunics, those neckerchiefs were important. They hid his flaws, they hid his deformity, they hid how defective he was.

Thinking about it didn’t help. Other than the scarf around his neck, the rest of the neckerchiefs were gone. They weren’t in the cupboard, they weren’t under the bed, they weren’t hanging up to dry. He knew they were ratty, and Arthur had been complaining about how slovenly Merlin looked, but he didn’t care.

Arthur always complained. It was like background noise. Merlin paid him no mind.

But Merlin needed his scarves. To cover up. To keep people from looking at his neck. His scrawny, thin neck with the prominent bump in the centre of it. Adam’s apple, they called it, but that’s not what it was.

It was a lump, it was deformed, ugly, shameful. Merlin couldn’t bear to have anyone look at him when they could see how strange he was, his neck all cricked and mishappen.

The scarves hid the worst of it, the scarves were his shield against the whispers, and now they were gone.

Merlin didn’t know what he was going to do. The market was closed for the day, he had no reserve of fabric hiding under his bed. He could wear the neckerchief he had on until he could find more, but it was stained with tomatoes from the stocks, and the dung he had to shovel once his time in the stocks was done.

Wanting to cry, he sat down on his bed and wondered if he could steal Gaius’s nightshirt and replace it as soon as he could. But the old man would notice, and Merlin would have to explain and that was even more shameful than his deformity.

Not knowing what to do, lost in worry, he didn’t hear Gaius.

“Ah, there you are,” Gaius said as he climbed the stairs to Merlin’s room. “I’ve been calling you for ages. Your supper is ready, and Arthur wants you to attend him after.”

Waving his hand at his stained scarf, Merlin whimpered, “I… I can’t, I don’t have… everything I have is stained and he’s been an absolute prat about it lately.”

“Ah.” Gaius reached into his pocket and brought out a package. Handing it to Merlin who ripped it open, a dozen scarves in different colours spilling out, Gaius nodded down toward them all and said, “I appreciate that you send your wages to Hunith, but you need to be cleaner and less unkempt. You are the Prince’s manservant after all. You have a certain level you need to maintain.”

“Oh, thank you, Gaius. This is so generous of you.” Merlin turned away, throwing the stained scarf on the floor, and wrapping one of the new neckerchiefs around his throat, hiding his shame.

“The prince sent them to you. I believe he said that he decided you were an idiot and couldn’t find, and I quote, ‘your own backside’. The rest are in the laundry and those not falling apart will be returned to you tomorrow although Arthur grumbled about it.” Gaius just shook his head. “I don’t know why you wear them. It’s certainly not an Ealdorian tradition.”

Merlin hated lying, but he gave Gaius a fool’s grin. He couldn’t tell Gaius the real reason. “I just like them. I get cold a lot and they keep me warm. Plus my mum sends me a few every year for Yule. It reminds me of her.”

Gaius smiled at that. Patting Merlin’s shoulder, he said, “Hunith is a generous woman. You are very lucky, my boy.”

“I am. Very lucky. I’ll be down for supper in a minute.” With that, Gaius nodded and hobbled down the stairs.

Merlin let out a long, relieved sigh. That was close.

He knew that Gaius would never understand. Most men had smallish bumps on their throats, and Merlin knew that Gaius would just tell him it was normal. It was hard to explain just how abnormal Merlin felt about it. He had even looked up a number of spells to see if he could fix his ugly neck, but it was possible that he’d lose his voice or it would be pitched considerably higher, like a girl’s if he wasn’t careful. It was too great a risk.

Better to just wear a scarf and hide his hideous throat.

Sometimes he did wonder if there was something wrong with him and not just the deformity but inside his head, maybe a spell or a harder knock on his head than was wise. He had been fine growing up, thinking nothing of his repulsive throat, and even the first year in Camelot had been okay. But as things got worse, as attacks and hiding his magic became more problematic, he noticed his neck more and more. Wanted to cover it up, more and more.

Now, it was almost an obsession. It was certainly inconvenient and more importantly, it made Arthur stare at him a lot.

But there was nothing to be done about it, other than hiding under neckerchiefs and trying to pass it off as an Ealdorian custom. Better to cover everything up and face the world with his head held high. He hoped that Arthur or his other friends would never find out. He could not bear to see the revulsion in their eyes.

With one last pass of his hand over his deformed neck, feeling the hard bump there, pressing in until he could hardly breath and then letting go, he pulled up the neckerchief.

Time to hide in plain sight as he had done every day since coming to Camelot. Sighing, he stumbled down the stairs. Gaius was waiting and he had to attend Arthur, too.

But he would visit the market tomorrow and buy a dozen more. Just in case.

**Author's Note:**

>  **Author's Notes:** Merlin’s neck is lovely, and I know quite a few people who have waxed lyrical about it, myself included. Also, in season one, we see a lot of his neck so this story is really really AU. I hope this doesn't offend anyone. My intention was never to do that. I found this prompt really hard to do. 
> 
> **Disclaimer:** Merlin characters are the property of Shine and BBC. No profit is being made, and no copyright infringement is intended.


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